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  A sob rips out of my throat and I watch in horror as Luca and two other men pack Atticus’ chest with whatever they can to staunch the blood loss. There’s no stopping it, only slowing it down a little. His eyes are still open, rolling back in his head as his body spasms. I can’t do this.

  I can’t do this at all.

  I crawl over to his head, careful not to get in anyone else's way because even as spaced out as my brain is, I know that’s important. I lift my hands up to cup his cheeks but they’re covered in blood, tiny shards of glass sticking out of them.

  I glance down and, yes, I did just crawl over glass to get to him.

  I feel nothing.

  I put my hands back down, because I don’t want to cover his face with my blood and instead, I lower my forehead to his. I can hear the tiniest rattling wheeze of his breath and there’s nothing I can give him right now, nothing but me being here with him until the very end.

  The way he’s always been with me.

  “I love you. I’ve loved you since I was nine years old and you punched out one of the Davids boys in the face for lifting up my skirt at that stupid gala. I’ve loved you through middle school and high school. I waited for you to notice me and love me back. I’ve loved you for as long as I’ve been breathing and I will love you long after I stop.“

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Atticus - Five years ago

  I kill the next buyer but not before he manages to stab me and attempt to gut me. He gets a little too close for comfort, the knife definitely hitting some very important organs, and blood is pouring out of me at an alarming rate.

  He’d approached Senior after news had spread about yet another of his deals falling through thanks to the buyer disappearing from the map. The rumors are that Beaumont himself is killing them off once he’s got the money from the sale, but anyone who believes that of the billionaire serial killer is too dense to be a concern.

  No, this buyer enjoyed a challenge, and being the first person to actually survive the exchange and take Avery home with them is a challenge he was willing to die for.

  And die he does.

  He was faster than I was expecting with his own knife, sinking it deep in my gut and dragging it a good three inches before my own knife slices through his neck and rips his carotid in half.

  It’s a very quick and bloody way to go, I’m merciful like that.

  I get out of the back alleyway I called the buyer to meet me in, lurching and stumbling all over the place, dry heaving as my body goes into shock. I have a very small amount of time to get out of here before my limbs and unnecessary organs begin to shut down.

  I bleed everywhere.

  There’ll be DNA to clean up for days. I’m not usually this sloppy, more than aware of how easy it is to blackmail and manipulate people with the right evidence, but my only focus right now is getting to my car. I need to get the hell out of here before one of the Jackal’s men spots me and takes me out. It’s no secret he has a bounty on my head and a long list of men desperate enough to do the job. The Butcher has proved there is a chance of survival if you kill a member, it’s just not great odds.

  That glimmer of hope does crazy things though.

  Part of his business plan is to keep his people poor, addicted, and miserable so they follow his every command, begging and hopeful that he’ll throw them some scraps like some archaic overlord. The Bay is a desolate place but only the most desperate wear the Jackal’s mark.

  There’s the scrape of boots on the sidewalk and I clench my teeth as I stumble a little faster, my own feet dragging along like two lumps of concrete at the end of my legs. I can’t feel anything from the knee down.

  My hands are numb too.

  There’s a voice calling out to me, but all of my focus is on my Bentley and closing the gap to it. Ten feet, nine, eight—I’m getting there. The closest hospital is the worst in the country, but it’ll have to do, because the three minute drive there might already be too much for my current state, but I have no choice here.

  Get there or die.

  “What the hell did you do now, Crawford? Fucking hell, stop moving before you bleed out all over the fucking sidewalk.”

  I stop and turn to find Luca stalking over to me, still wearing the Mounty standard uniform of dirty jeans, a tight tee, and a leather jacket.

  “You can’t be seen with me.”

  He scoffs and ducks under my arm, pressing his own hand to the wound like he’s trying to hold my guts in single-handedly.

  Well.

  I guess he is.

  He growls at me, frustration radiating through every line of him. “Yeah and none of it means a fucking thing if you’re dead, boss.”

  I shrug because I just don’t fucking care anymore. The moments that I let myself feel despair and self-loathing are rare, but the blood loss means I’m not coherent enough to stop it. “Dying for her has always been the plan. Who am I to complain about having my greatest wish fulfilled?”

  He groans at me and shoves me into the passenger seat of my car, racing around to go in the driver's seat and then we’re flying down the backstreets and back onto the highway, “Oh yeah? And who’s taking care of her when you’re gone? Who’s going to go toe-to-toe with her fucking psychotic father if you’re not around?”

  I hit the recline on the seat to lessen the pressure on my wound and press a hand back over the mess of my stomach, blood smearing over every part of the car I’m touching. “You do. You’ll take care of her for me.”

  He looks over to me in the darkness of the car and gives me a curt nod. “To the end.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “You own my soul, Atticus Crawford. I love you. I love you.”

  I say those three words, over and over again, even after they finally get him out of the building and airlifted away in the helicopter. Even after they give me a headset of my own because I refuse to leave his side.

  Even after they take him into the operating room and I know it’s the last I’ll ever see of him, in my mind I say it because somewhere in the back of my mind I’m sure he can hear it.

  He’ll die knowing I love him the same now as I always have.

  I sit, covered in blood, in the waiting room staring at the wall blankly. I don’t know how long I’ve been there or anything about what’s happening around me. When I’d climbed into the helicopter with Atticus, Luca had sent a couple of men with us, so I assume they’re around somewhere keeping an eye on me but I have no real clue of the details.

  I don’t want to know about them.

  I don’t want to exist right now, right up until I hear his voice call out from down the hospital corridor.

  “Queenie.”

  I crumple to the dirty hospital floor, slipping out of my chair and just fucking sobbing like a child. The glass in my hands digs even further into my skin, but the sting barely registers. I just fall into a heap because my soul just ripped into two. Aodhan might hold half of it tightly in his hands, but Atticus is about to leave this Earth with the other half.

  I’m bereft without him.

  “I’ve got you, baby. I’m never letting go, we’ll stay right fucking here until you’re ready,” Aodhan says, his voice low and calm as he pulls me into his arms. I sob until there’s nothing left of me.

  When he gets an eyeful of my hands, Aodhan flags down a nurse and we’re led into the procedure room to have the glass removed. Aodhan murmurs kind and calming things into my ear, but I barely feel the digging of the tools over the pain in my chest. The shards are tiny enough that the nurse only had to glue the wounds shut, giving me a list of things I shouldn’t do that I don’t even bother to listen to.

  Aodhan takes the pamphlet from her and tucks it into his pocket, leading me back out to the waiting lounge and getting me settled back into one of the chairs. I’ve spent way too much time in these fucking chairs over the last few years.

  “My phone is gone.”

  Aodhan nods and drapes his arms around me. “I know, baby
. Odie went into labor and when you didn’t answer his calls and texts, Illi sent me around to your place. I found about a hundred of the Crow’s men there and I figured out what the fuck happened to you from there. He already had you back by then… we already knew he’d been shot. I came right over.”

  I nod and sniff a little, my eyes stinging but I have no tears left in me now. “Donnelley lured me out. She hijacked Atticus’ number and asked to meet then sold me off to one of the men she hired to watch me.”

  Aodhan’s arm tightens around my shoulder and I shake my head. “I was only there for a day before Atticus came. The guy was a fucking lunatic, but I’m fine. I got a little too lucky there and Atticus has paid the price.”

  Aodhan scowls and shakes his head at me, shifting and pulling his phone out as it buzzes. He stares at the screen for a second and then moves the screen so I can read the message from Illi.

  We’re at the same hospital. Maternity wing. Tell the kid I’ll deal with everything once we’re out. Odie is doing good. Updates soon.

  We’re all here together. One life entering the world while another leaves it. There’s a beauty to the cycles of life that I’d really love to tear up and burn to the ground, because I cannot do this.

  “Breathe, Queenie. Just breathe it out, no use panicking about shit until we know more. He’s in with surgeons; they know their shit. Just take a deep breath. Fuck, lemme go grab you some water.”

  They work on Atticus for eight hours.

  I don’t move from my seat. Aodhan makes phone calls to cover shit with his family and mine, then he arranges food for us both and spends an hour convincing me to eat mine. He watches everyone who walks past us like a hawk, ready to take someone out without hesitation if they so much as look sideways at me.

  When a doctor finally comes out to see us, he informs me that I’m listed as Atticus’ emergency contact and that I can go back to see him, though I’ll have to go alone.

  It takes me a second to understand that he’s saying Atticus is still breathing.

  My joy lasts half a second.

  I follow the doctor through the corridors as he updates me, the situation getting worse and worse the more he speaks. “He’s lost a lot of blood, and there has been a lot of damage done internally. I need to warn you that we’ve had to leave his chest cavity open for now, we’ll see how he does over the next few days before we make any more decisions. Right now, we’re focusing on getting him through the night.”

  He leaves me at the door of the ICU room, the machines all beeping at different pitches and frequencies in a nightmare of sounds.

  Atticus looks like a corpse.

  I stay with him for an hour, holding his hand and stroking back the front of his hair where he leaves a little of the length. He looks peaceful, calm, and completely gone.

  There’s no real way of doing it, but I try to make my peace. I try to say all of the things I need to say to him in this moment and hope that he can hear me. I beg him to stay. I beg him to never leave me, to stay and come home to me so we can work this out.

  Then I kiss him as best I can with all of the tubes breathing for him.

  I walk back out to Aodhan who looks relieved the second he spots me, drawing me into his arms and kissing the top of my head gently, like he has to treat me with kid gloves right now. I have no tears left to cry, my entire body hollowed out until I’m nothing but a shell.

  “Illi called. The baby is here. We don’t have to go down if—”

  “No. No, we absolutely do have to go down. This is a huge moment for him, he’s family. He, Odie, and the baby are family.”

  The maternity ward is on the other side of the hospital and we have to ask for directions twice before we find it. Aodhan sends Illi a message from the waiting room, and I try not to look at all of the posters of happy, smiling couples holding their bundles of joy. I’m too raw for that.

  After a minute, Illi steps out of one of the rooms and I force myself to meet his eyes.

  This is the happiest day of his life.

  I won’t ruin it, no matter that it’s the worst day of mine. After everything he’s done for me, I cannot ruin this too.

  “It’s a boy. Odie wants to call him Johnny… I think I’m going to let her.”

  I hold my arms open and he crushes me to his chest. “Why do you smell like blood? What the fuck—”

  “It doesn’t matter. Tomorrow. We can talk about it tomorrow. Today is for Johnny and Odie. How is she? I know she had concerns.”

  He beams at me, the type of smile I didn’t even know his face was capable of making. “She did fucking amazing. I almost killed three nurses but she was a fucking pro. He’s fucking beautiful, looks just like his mama.”

  My eyes fill with tears, but I guess that’s normal around this sort of news. “Illi, I’m so happy for you both. Congratulations, I cannot wait to meet him. I need to go home and clean up; I have a gift waiting there for you all already.”

  Aodhan reaches around me to shake Illi’s hand, jerking in shock when Illi crushes him in a hug too. It’s that back slapping, brotherhood sort of hug but Aodhan still looks stunned that it’s happening.

  I wish I could enjoy the look a little more.

  “Go back to your family, Illi. We’ll be back in the morning to meet your son, I promise. I need to clean up and be presentable,” I say, my voice still strong but I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out.

  Illi looks me over again and then nods slowly. “Okay. Tomorrow. I’ll give you until tomorrow, Queenie.”

  It’ll be better tomorrow.

  It has to be.

  “You need a shower and a bed, you look like something out of the Walking Dead,” Aodhan murmurs as we take the elevator back down to the exit.

  I want to make a joke about it but instead I shrug and thread my fingers through his, yawning until my jaw pops. “I would commit cold-blooded murder for a shower right now. And a new set of clothes, I’m burning this entire outfit.”

  Aodhan chuckles and pulls a lighter out of his pocket. “I can help with that.”

  I roll my eyes and then narrow them at him. “I didn’t know you smoke.”

  “I don’t. It’s for more… nefarious things. You never know when you need a distraction.”

  I shake my head at him, leaning on him and taking some of his strength. Jesus fucking Christ, he lost his cousin and best friend days ago. The grieving process for him will have barely started and already I’m having to ask things of him, to lean on him to get me through this.

  I feel like a burden to him.

  We step outside of the hospital and Luca is there waiting, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth which is very unusual for him.

  Aodhan stiffens a little but he doesn’t lunge at him and choke him out, so it’s not as bad as it could be.

  I still don’t want to look at him, even after the hurried conversation with Atticus before—

  Before.

  “I need you both to come back to the Crow’s mansion.”

  I flinch back and Aodhan snaps, “Absolutely not. What the fuck is wrong with you? I’ll put you in the ground right the fuck now, don’t push me.”

  Luca puts the cigarette out on the ground, stepping on it and turning toward us both. He looks like he’s aged twenty years in the last week and I know exactly what that feels like. “There’s been an emergency Twelve meeting called. I’ve arranged for it to be at the Crow’s residence because it’s the most secure and your safety is still at risk. You need to attend, both of you.”

  Aodhan takes a step toward him and when Luca widens his stance like he’s ready to have this brawl right here on the hospital steps, I have to stand in-between them. “Luca, I can’t do it tonight. I can’t be who they need me to be tonight. Postpone it or something.”

  Luca glances over to me and the sorrow pouring out of him is suffocating. “Avery. Atticus left it all to you. Everything, his entire empire. If he doesn’t pull through this then every single thing that he’s worked so
fucking hard for… it’s all yours. If you don’t come to the meeting now and stand your ground, who knows what will happen. This could spiral out of control faster than you can imagine and then there’ll be a whole new war to face. Do you want that for us all?”

  I absolutely do not want that for any of us, not for the man I’m in love with up there in the ICU or the new family of three in the maternity wing who are living through the greatest night of their lives right now. Not for Lips who’s out there somewhere in a tour bus full of guys that she’s madly in love with and will throw herself into hell for without a second thought.

  I can’t let my own personal problems affect the overall good.

  Aodhan looks down at me and sees the decision in my eyes, already made for us all and nods. “Fine. We’ll head over there. Do you have enough security here to cover Crawford for the night?”

  Luca nods at him like that’s a stupid question and reaches into his pocket, pulling out my phone. “I found this in your Rolls Royce, it must’ve been left behind there. Probably because they didn’t want us tracking you that way. It’s run out of battery, but at least it survived your ordeal.”

  I take it and slip it back into my pocket, the weight of it familiar and a small comfort. Aodhan waits for a second and then walks me over to the Impala, helping me in and buckling the seatbelt around me while he clucks about my torn-up hands.

  I’ve still barely even noticed they’re injured. I’m sure they’ll sting like a bitch tomorrow.

  The drive over to Atticus’ mansion is silent, neither of us happy about where we’re headed but for very different reasons. Aodhan hates Atticus and fucking loathes Luca so going to that place will be the last thing he wants to do. I, however, need to stay strong to get through this and sitting in that house, surrounded by all of the Crow’s people and things, it’ll be too much for me. It’ll all make me want to sit and wallow in him.

  Wallow in the pain and fear.